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Uterus Half Full? Or Half Empty?

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a blog by murgdan

Are you a uterus-half-full or a uterus-half-empty kind of girl?

The hardest thing about waiting for beta after any fertility treatment is the endless roller-coaster of emotions. Am I? Aren’t I?

I felt a twinge, I must be.

I’ve felt that same twinge before, I must not be.

While many people readily identify themselves as optimists or pessimists, I have always been more of a realist. I never want to look too far on the bright side for fear of falling over the edge. I stay away from the gloomy outlook that tends to drag me down into darkness.

Instead, I cling to statistics. I stick to the facts. I rely on logical reasoning.

When it comes to fertility treatments, logic can only get you so far. We study clinical pregnancy rates and live birth rates for every clinic in our vicinity until our eyes hurt. We can recite probabilities of success for IUI, IVF, FET, and several other letter combinations without having to check a book or a website.

Despite our knowledge and preparation to reach the point of intervention, there is no book that can prepare us for the wait until the beta HCG—that fateful blood test that tells you if you’ve come one step closer to hitting the IVF jackpot.

During my first IVF I was hopeful, but the wait quickly dwindled into a ‘uterus-half-empty’ scenario. I would say I knew pretty early on that our IVF hadn’t been successful. After so many cycles of wishing and hoping and believing, I know what false symptoms feel like. I wasn’t fooled. I lost hope. I struggled. I hurt. And when we got that negative result, I wasn’t surprised in the least. Round one was over—apart from the 2 frozen blastocysts tucked away for safe keeping.

The Frozen Embryo cycle was a much more ‘uterus-half-full’ experience. Granted, a FET cycle is much more low key than a fresh IVF. For me, there were no shots, no blood-draws. I didn’t have to rearrange my work schedule to accommodate frequent ultrasounds or estrogen checks. My meds were pocket change compared to the fresh cycle regimen.

The transfer was a breeze. During a FET cycle, the ovaries are not stimulated (or over-stimulated as the case may be). Since my little egg-makers weren’t expanded to 5 times their normal size, it was easier to visualize my uterus, and I didn’t feel a thing when the catheter was threaded into my cervix. Well, I didn’t feel anything than the US probe pressing every so lightly on my exploding bladder.

As the wait until beta dwindles away, I’m encouraged by something I’ve never seen or experienced personally before … a positive home pregnancy test.

Is my uterus half-full? I'm hoping so.

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