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The Infertility Waiting Game

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a blog by murgdan, April 12, 2010

You’ve been there. You’ve done it.

The wait.

Trying to conceive, fertility treatments, positive pregnancy tests. They all lead to one kind of wait or another. Those waits, at least for me, were always about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never ending waves of excitement build up, travel to shore, and then crash into a large rock of some sort, disintegrating into nothing but sea foam.

Trying to get pregnant the old-fashioned way? (I think they call it sex). You know, the first two weeks of the cycle are filled with hope and planning and strategizing for the way you will finally come up with the right combination of love-making and mucous-producing that will lead to the baby that is supposedly so easy to make. Followed by another two weeks of waiting. Followed by a period that is more akin to the punctuation mark — the end of another sentence.

Fertility treatments? Again, a few weeks filled with hope as you have now turned the reins over to a fertility doctor, an expert in the field. Surely a person with letters behind his name will come up with the perfect combination of drugs and tricks and equipment and tests to make it happen. I mean, hello, you spent money for this … and everyone knows when you pay for something you get something back in return. After the deed is done, there is another two weeks wait for the payback, which often is nothing more than another painful period.

Positive pregnancy test? Although this is the dream you’ve been waiting for, there is always a nagging feeling that you just can’t relax quite yet. This is reinforced by the multiple betas, followed by multiple ultrasounds, all done in a succession that just scream out, “You could lose this at any minute!” Sadly for some, this is exactly the case. The other shoe drops again and again.

Most of us have become so accustomed to the disappointment, we never know when to let the excitement build up, always afraid of crashing somewhere down the line. We know it can happen. We’ve seen it happen.

Me? I’m in the last two week wait. Unarguably the best two week wait. In two weeks I will be considered full term.

And the other shoe? It’s still lingering out there.

Now mind you, I don’t sit and rock myself back and forth in a corner about my fears, but I know they are there. I know they are there every time I walk by the nursery, full of boxes and gifts, still in their bags. Full of clothes, unwashed, tags in place, receipts neatly piled on a shelf … just in case.

Every weekend my ‘to-do’ list has things like, “Wash baby clothes” and “Hang curtains in nursery” and “Put away gifts.” Every weekend I walk into that room and caress a onesie, shuffle things around in their bags, and walk back out.

Despite the little feet kicking my ribs and the head pressing on my bladder screaming out, “It’s getting cramped in here!,” I still don’t believe I’m having a baby. I still don’t believe that this wave of excitement and happiness won’t come crashing down in the end.

I don’t know if people who haven’t experienced infertility feel this way. I know that my sisters had their nurseries in order l-o-n-g before their due dates. And even those got-pregnant-so-easy friends who waited until the last minute to get it together just did so out of procrastination and not because they were afraid cutting the tag off a swaddling blanket would undo all the happiness in the world.

I am excited. So excited. And so ready to meet this little miracle. And all I can do is hope that when the other shoe drops it is miniature sized, and attached to the delicious baby foot I’ve been waiting for all this time.

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