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Us vs. Them

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a blog by S.I.F. September 13, 2010

We all know who “Them” are. The ones who get pregnant with ease. Who smoke and drink and eat the foods we’ve given up, but still find themselves with two lines when they “weren’t even trying."

How does it happen? Why does it happen? In this world where those of us struggling to conceive have to make such an effort, why are there women who don’t seem to need to try at all?

And why aren’t we one of them?

I’ve thought about this a great deal recently. As I’ve given up every last one of my vices (even my beloved dairy) in the name of fighting endometriosis, I’ve found myself wondering why? Not why would I torture myself so (I already know the answer to that — I would do anything to be a mother), but why should I have to? Why is it such a challenge for me to get pregnant (even when a beautiful embryo is literally placed directly inside my uterus), while there are others for whom it seems to come so easily.

For longer than I care to admit, I have bucked against the idea of being one of “Us."

But, if we’re being honest here — I think we would all escape this little club of ours in a heartbeat if given the chance.

Unfortunately, there is no escape. And so, while I can’t for the life of me figure out why I didn’t get to be one of “Them,” I find myself seeking out the things that set “Us” apart, the benefits to being on this side.

You may think there aren’t any. That being one of “Us” is a losing battle. That we have nothing to gain on this team, that the “Thems” will always be ahead.

But you would be wrong. We do have a few perks. A couple of benefits to membership that make being an “Us” bearable. That soothe the pain of not being one of “Them.”

Do you know what they are?

Well … the No. 1 perk is actually you. All of you. Before I was one of “Us,” I had no idea this community existed. I was clueless as to the support you all could provide. I didn’t believe a group of women could be so there for each other.

As great as some of those on Team “Them” may be, they have nothing on “Us” when it comes to a bond that unites — allowing us to support each other when standing alone feels impossible.

The other benefit is one that I can’t be sure of yet, but that I have to believe in. The perk of being a better parent. Of one day being more hands on, patient and involved because we were on team “Us.” Because we know what it means to face the fear of never being a parent. Because we struggled, and fought, and sacrificed for that child who is now ours; and we will never forget what life without them looked like.

Most days, I do find myself wishing I wasn’t one of “Us.” But if I have to be? If there is no escape or get out of jail free card?

I can’t imagine a more incredible group of women to belong to.

Comments (4)

I am a better parent because of infertility. When I'm tempted to mourn the changes to my body I remember how much I resented not having those changes, and how I desperately pleaded with the world to trade a flat stomach and perky breasts for a baby. When I feel housebound I remember sitting at a pub and wishing I was home with a baby.

I'm not perfect, I shout and sit them in front of the TV and take time to go shoe shopping alone on Saturdays, but overall I am better than I would have been if I had taken them for granted.

Daunting is the best possible word for it, but even on my worst days; I truly don't know how I would make it through without the support of the women I have met through this experience. The world really does have a funny way of giving you exactly what you need....

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