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Going It Alone

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a blog by S.I.F. November 3, 2010

When most people think about infertility, they picture a couple struggling with everything they’ve got to bring a child into this world. A husband and wife acting as a team; facing the challenges head on as a pair.

They do not think of a single woman urgently striving toward the same goal before her time runs out.

We Are Out There

But there are plenty of us out there. Women who when faced with the choice of now or never, choose now. Because never is too painful an option to swallow.

The reasons behind our infertility may vary, but the yearning in our heart remains the same. The fear of never getting our chance bonds us.

And so, we forge ahead. We take the path less taken and fight for our shot at being mothers.

Even if there is no partner by our side through it all.

Dealing with infertility is never easy, but there is a whole new range of questions and challenges that arise when you make the decision to go it alone. Suddenly you find yourself contemplating sperm donors and wondering how this became your life. You question whether or not you should be dating right now. You realize that when you cry out in the middle of the night in the midst of your grief, there is no one there to wrap you up and tell you it will all be OK.

You come to terms with the fact that you are fighting this battle alone.

There Are Positives, Too

But, there are also a handful of positives when it comes to forging this path on your own. Things that help you to see the silver lining when you’re otherwise stuck wading through the pain.

When the drugs cause the hot flashes to kick in and you find yourself wanting to eat ice cream for dinner and spaghetti for breakfast, you say a silent thank you that there’s no one around to witness you in such a state.

When your mood dips to levels you know simply aren’t normal, you realize you’re glad that at least there’s no partner in the wings for you to snap at and have to apologize to later.

And when you find yourself making these tough decisions and contemplating going further into the treatment path than you ever thought you would, you’re almost happy that you don’t have to consider anyone else’s wishes in this process.

That you can do what you want to do, when you need to do it, without worrying about the opinions of a spouse who may or may not agree with these choices.

Because we all know that infertility has a way of bonding couples together, or tearing them apart. It can be an incredible unifier or the singular aspect that leads to a couples demise.

But when you’re going it alone, you don’t have to lay awake at night wondering which effect it will have on your relationship.

Infertility is painful. It is a struggle no matter who you are or how you’re dealing with it.

Nothing about it is easy. Partner or no partner.

But for those of us who choose to forge ahead without that hand to hold, we know. Between now or never, we will always choose now.

Even if that means going it alone.

Comments (4)

I totally agree! When I was going through IVF and then pregnancy, there were a lot of times that I was so happy to not have a partner around to have to think of. I ate what I wanted to, when I wanted to, and could be cranky and tired and by myself without worry. There are a few pluses to doing this on your own!

It's so nice when you're able to recognize those pluses too! Like right now, I'm sitting here in bed on a heating pad eating chocolate and just kind of glad for the quiet! :)

Very well written. I try to look at dealing with infertility as the ultimate preparation of patience to make me a great parent. The same (well, similar) struggles AND advantages will be present once we are pregnant and later single mom's.

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