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When Your Body Betrays You
a blog by S.I.F., November 9, 2010
Infertility is like a slap in the face.
It feels like your body telling you that it’s giving up — that it’s done, that it no longer wants to do what it’s supposed to do. What you tell it to do.
It feels like your own body rebelling against you.
But, the betrayal gets worse, worse than you can ever even imagine until you’re there. Because once you find yourself in the grip of fertility treatments, you will quickly learn that those treatments will all cause you to think you’re pregnant — even if you’re not.
They all work the same. They alter your hormones drastically, and even if you’re able to discontinue injections as soon as ovulation occurs; those effects linger. They continue to wreak havoc on your hormones until you no longer know which end is up.
Until you can’t help but notice the symptoms.
The telltale sore breasts, the nausea, the exhaustion.
It’s all there. Mocking you. Telling you to believe you’re pregnant. And you very well may be.
But if you’re not, it’s just another slap in the face. Another betrayal by your own body for letting you believe, letting you hope, letting you imagine.
“Stay positive.” That’s the standard party line. The thing we infertiles tell each other mid cycle. The mantra we whisper to ourselves late at night. Stay positive, and all will be well. Believe in your ability to get pregnant, and you will.
Those hormone-induced symptoms feed into your desire to be positive. They feed into your hope.
But it's hope that’s crushed if your cycle doesn’t work, leaving you feeling as though you can’t even trust your own body — as if you can’t even trust yourself.
When your body betrays you, it’s hard to know when and if you can trust it again. It's hard to recover and move forward.
After all, it’s not like you can break up with your own body and move on without it. When your body betrays you, you’re stuck with it, stuck trying to learn how to trust the signals it sends you again even though your faith in your ability to read those signals is shaken.
It all comes back to infertility and the strain it puts on all of us — confusion and frustration and heartbreak.
When your body betrays you, it’s only a facet of the disease lingering behind the infertility, a byproduct of the drugs used to help get you pregnant.
When your body betrays you, you can’t even really blame your body at all, or yourself. Because it happens to all of us. We have all been there — so convinced we were pregnant and so heartbroken to find out we were wrong.
We were ompletely and totally devastated to learn that our body had lied to us and we had believed it when we shouldn’t have. But avoiding it is almost impossible. When your breasts become tender and you find yourself too tired to think straight, it’s difficult not to read into those signs and hope that this time they may mean something more.
So when your body betrays you, be kind to yourself. Be kind to your body. Your only choice is to allow it to betray you again and again.
Until one day, when it finally tells the truth.